Discussing Tragic Events with Children: A Guide to Navigating Difficult Conversations
In the wake of a tragic incident at North Forsyth High School, parents are being advised to address the event with their children in a supportive manner. Such occurrences can have far-reaching emotional impacts throughout the school community.
Nicole Moore-Geter, a licensed mental health counselor and the founder of Counseling with a Purpose, emphasizes the importance of discussing these events with children, focusing on the approach rather than the avoidance of the topic. “The conversations do really need to happen without creating more fear or minimizing some of the experiences or emotions that the children are already having,” she explains. “So even when adults try to protect them from the full story, their nervous system, typically, it’s going to already sense a disruption in safety. So silence definitely does not protect them, but attuned and developmentally-appropriate conversations do.”
Moore-Geter suggests beginning the conversation with curiosity instead of facts. Engaging children by asking, “What have you heard already?” or “What does your body feel like when you think about what happened?” can aid in processing their emotional and nervous responses.
Parents are advised not to delve into every detail but rather to convey that something unsafe occurred and measures are being taken to ensure safety. The key is to ask open-ended questions and patiently listen to the children’s responses. The way adults respond is equally crucial.
“Often I think, as adults, we rush to reassure because we want to reassure people that we care about by saying, ‘Hey, you know, it’ll be okay, and everything’s going to be fine,'” Moore-Geter says. “While well-intentioned, I think unintentionally, we can dismiss the child’s felt experience. A better approach is saying something like ’It makes sense that this feels scary to you,’ or ‘I’m here with you.’”
Moore-Geter advises validating and normalizing the child’s emotions as a method to transition from high-stress states to calm. Activities such as breathing exercises, yoga, art, and other movement-based activities can be beneficial for both children and adults.
Adults are encouraged to maintain their emotional regulation, as their calmness can influence the child’s nervous system. “So slowing down your own breathing, lowering your voice, doing a self-inventory and being sure that emotionally, you’re regulated in a way you’re ready to have that conversation yourself,” she notes. “So that check-in and keeping a finger on your pulse is important because the child’s nervous system borrows from the adult’s calm. And that’s neuroscience. It’s not just good parenting.”
Different individuals process trauma in varied ways, often showing signs like irritability, sleep disturbances, or behavioral changes. Recognizing these signs is essential for maintaining stability and consistency in routines.
If a child exhibits significant behavioral changes such as increased withdrawal or aggression, or cannot sleep for several days, it may be time to seek professional mental health support.
Moore-Geter also highlights the importance of “community regulation,” encouraging families to connect with community spaces where they feel heard and supported. “The connection to one another is powerful,” she states. “And so if you have those spaces in the community where you feel connected, where you or your children feel heard, leaning into those is going to be very helpful.”
She concludes by reminding adults of the importance of self-care, as they too experience the emotional impact of such events. Supporting each other ensures they are equipped to support children effectively.
